The NSA intercepted the following e-mail today...
The Honorable George W. Bush
Former President
Crawford, Texas
Dear George,
I use George instead of president
because, well, Michelle tells me that it is confusing for me as the president
to call another person president. I think you understand this a lot better than
Bill that you can only have one president at a time.
Also, I am sending this letter to
Crawford instead of Dallas because I read recently you were mountain biking at
your ranch (that reminds me I need to start looking into where I am going to
live after I am done here, and I promise I won't be moving to Texas because who
knows when that will turn blue).
For starters, I wanted to say it was
great seeing you at your presidential library opening. What a great event, and
please tell your dad hi for me. He is a great guy, and I love that your mom
said the country doesn't need any more Bushes. I think that will be true about
Obamas, especially after this last couple of weeks. I feel like you must have
felt before you left office.
And now for the purpose of this letter
(I know you are rolling your eyes and saying, "just get to the
point," but you know me: I can be a little long-winded at times): I wanted
to say I am sorry.
I am sorry that, as a United States
senator and presidential candidate, I was critical of you about so many things
I now, myself, am doing.
I am sorry about saying Guantanamo
would be closed immediately and it was a blight on America. It is still wide
open for business.
I am sorry for criticizing you and your
administration for intrusions on American's privacy and invasions into personal
liberties. My NSA took what you did and put it on steroids.
I am sorry for criticizing the way you
waged the war on terror. I have personally approved a number of drone strikes and
actually have said it is OK to kill an American on foreign soil without due
process. I know you are probably saying, "Aren't you the expert on the
Constitution?" but, as you know, being president is hard work.
And, by the way, between you and me, I
know your vice president was probably upset my administration got Osama Bin
Laden (I get the sense he might have some anger issues and I sure wish he would
have kept quiet like you have), but it was really thanks to you and my
continuation of your national security policies.
I am sorry for all my overheated
rhetoric about your administration not being transparent and saying my
administration would be the most transparent in history and most open to the
media. Boy, was I off on that one, and certain reporters at the Associated
Press and Fox News don't seem to understand why we might put them under secret
scrutiny.
Well, George, that is probably all you
have time for, and I hope you accept my apology. You can take heart that, even
though I am a Democrat, I decided to keep going nearly all your vision and
plans on national security and even take it to all-new levels.
One day, I hope someone can follow a
path as president that doesn't constantly use the ends to justify the means,
but that is going to take a leader strong enough to be more compassionate and
follow the principles of your and my buddy JC. Can you believe his "love
your enemies" line??? With our luck, it will probably be a woman who finally
does that as president.
Take care, and hope you will stay quiet
until I leave office because Bill never stops talking.
Sincerely,
Barack Obama
P.S. You will be happy to know The New
York Times is now attacking me for all the same stuff I attacked you on. Crazy.